And so it was. After three years, two months, and nine days, our relationship was finally over. I thought everything was going to be okay, that he'd forgive me for being so stupid, for overreacting, for breaking up with him when I shouldn't have done so. It was different this time and unlike any other fight we had in the past. It was over. Daniel no longer wanted anything to do with me. He said that he wanted/needed more time to think things through, to figure out why God allowed this to happen to us. He said that he prayed for "signs" that would guide him to his decision on whether or not he should take me back. He was waiting and so was I. We were both waiting for that sign but it never came. And so "we" were over.
Days following the breakup, I thought about every word exchanged between us over and over again, trying to figure out what I did wrong. Obviously I was stupid for breaking it off in the first place because I did it out of spite. It wasn't because I didn't love him; it was my jealousy and anger that got the best of me. Well, how was I supposed to react when he didn't call me at the time he said he was supposed to?! Was he out with another girl? Was he cheating on me? Or was it something small, something that I shouldn't even worry about? Was his phone on silent that he couldn't hear it? What if he accidentally left it at home, so obviously he couldn't hear it and call me back? But what if something terribly bad happened to him? Maybe he got into a car accident and died suddenly without saying goodbye?! All of these questions kept running through my mind and wouldn't shut up! At around 2AM, I finally got the call from Daniel. I was relieved that he was alive but extremely upset that it took him so long to get back to me. So yes, he should have called to let me know where he was but I shouldn't have gotten mad at him to the point where I broke off our relationship. He said that I didn't trust him, and looking back at it now, I guess I didn't. I overreacted and so it was over.
My world was turned upside down when "we" were over. It was such a big change not having him in my life anymore. He was the first person I talked to in the morning and the last voice I heard before going to bed at night. My days were incomplete without him and I felt lost. Days turned into weeks and I couldn't shake off that feeling. I was empty inside because the better half of me, my motivation, my inspiration, was gone. During this time, my friends constantly reminded me that I was "too good for him" and that "there's other fish in the sea" but I didn't want to go fishing. I wanted him back.
About a month after the breakup, I met up with my best friend Kristy at Applebee's on Morris Ave. I hadn't seen her in a really long time so we updated each other on what was happening in our lives. She told me about her husband and how happy she was about being married and I on the flipside told her about my breakup. Talk about polar opposites! Anyways, she said something that really got to me. I don't remember exactly what she said but I definitely had an "a-ha" moment. I realized that I was no longer "me". For the past three years, my life revolved around him, I guess I should say, my life WAS him. Everything I did revolved around him. Whatever he wanted to do, I would do. Wherever he wanted to go, I'd go too. Whatever he wanted to eat, I'd eat, and on and on and on. It was never about my wants or my needs. It was all about him. It was at that moment when I felt like a total bitch, his little bitch that did everything in her power to please her master. I failed to realize that I died. I was with a man that slowly killed me.
I then said to myself, "Enough is enough!" I wasn't going to waste my time and energy feeling sorry for myself. I wanted a change; I needed a change.
As soon as I got home that day, I was on a quest to "find myself". I searched online for about two hours to see if there was anything I could find that would improve me. I obviously knew that it was going to take some time, but I needed to start somewhere. I was really excited about this new journey I was going to take. I wanted to do something that I never had the opportunity to do before, so I googled in "classes - nyc". I've always wanted to learn how to play the violin, I said to myself, so why not look for an instructor that would teach me. Too expensive? What about dance lessons? Maybe I'll find a really hot guy that'll teach me how to salsa and then dance right on into my heart?! Ah...but I have two left feet so he'll probably be turned off by lack of coordination and rhythm. Then I thought, what about kickboxing? I've always wanted to do that, and plus I needed to get in shape for the summer to look my best in the two-piece bikini I just bought.
And there it was on Craig's List. A woman advertising her kickboxing classes in the city - $10 for the first class or bring a friend and your class is free! That's not so bad, I said to myself. I'll just keep bringing more friends so that I won't have to pay for the class. The next think I did was to look at hopstop.com to see if the venue was close to my house. Sure enough, it was only one train ride and about six stops away. Great! I didn't even have to transfer. I was excited because I knew something great was going to come out of this.
*****
It was an all-girls class. The studio was smaller than I expected but it was a good enough size to fit the seven of us. There were mirrors on the wall but the instructor insisted on covering them with white sheets so that none of us would feel self-conscious about our moves.
"Welcome to the class everyone!" Heather said. "I'm really excited to have you all here today. I hope you've brought some anger with you cause we're definitely gonna punch it out."
As soon as she said that, I knew I was in the right place. With whatever I had bottled up inside, I knew that it was going to come out one way or the other. Warm ups were finally over and the bulk of the class was done doing this:
"Jab, jab, jab!" Heather yelled.
"Jab, jab, cross!"
"Jab, cross, jab!"
"Jab, uppercut, cross, kick!"
I was sweating like a pig but I didn't care. I felt so empowered and ready to fight the world. Heather told us to picture someone in our head, someone that "pissed us off", and just punch it out. I did, and I hadn't felt that good in a really long time. I wasn't just punching air; I was punching all the negativity out of me.
*****
I looked forward to Tuesday nights from that day onward. I told all my friends about it, encouraging them to join me, not only because I wanted the free class but because it was a wonderful way to release stress and get in shape all at the same time. Through my words and my actions, everyone around me noticed a great shift in my personality. My attitude and outlook on life changed and I was willing to try new things and be more spontaneous. Through my experience, I learned to love me first before anyone else. I was kickin' ass every step of the way!
"So..." Kristy said during one of our recent conversations on the phone. "If you had the chance to go back and change anything, would you?"
It didn't take me long to respond to her question. "No," I said, "I wouldn't change anything at all."
It's times like these that you value the most in your life. Even though I lost three years of my life, I learned so much from it. (add more here...reflection??!)
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